In today's society, where we're swept along by a frenetic pace and find ourselves wondering whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing or not, I ask: is this a matter of feigned independence, or have our relationship standards simply become normalised? Yes, it’s true, capitalism pushes us towards individualism and finding fulfilment in professional self-realisation. But what's also true is that, as Chante Joseph points out in her article, "if having a boyfriend used to be the grand prize in life and now some women are wondering if it still is, that’s bound to be unsettling" – and it definitely deserves a deep talk, don’t you think?
Some melons can't be left to ripen any longer because they might spoil before then. So, I’ll start. I’ll skip the social analysis that portrays men as the most desirable prize for a woman and the concept of the ‘spinster’ emerging in parallel (and this is coming from a Bridgerton fan, no less). I ask myself directly: what are we doing? Where do we set the bar for our standards? I, with my rather limited experience, have decided not to accept anything that doesn’t leave me speechless. And that’s when another doubt arises: is this a legitimate expectation or a subtle way of avoiding vulnerability? The other day, I watched a TikTok video in which a girl said that she would only want a man she deeply admired. It occurred to me then that perhaps that’s where the real change lies: we’re no longer just looking for companionship, but for inspiration. We want someone who enriches our lives, not just someone who fits into them. And of course, that brings me back to the initial question: are we avoiding commitment, or are we simply being more discerning in our choices? After all, why settle for less when our standards are so high? Honestly, perhaps it was about time we raised the bar and stopped setting our 'non-negotiables' on basic things like being listened to or being loyal – things that every couple takes for granted. However, it’s also worth asking whether, by raising the bar so high, we’ve stopped 'going with the flow' and started relating to each other through constant evaluation rather than discovery. As if dates had become interviews rather than encounters. As if we were constantly updating and ticking items off a checklist. It sounds rather calculating, doesn't it?
But then, dating fatigue kicks in: the exhaustion of meeting one person after another without ever quite finding the right one. In other words, just so you understand: it’s like bar-hopping in the world of dating. And that's without even getting into the 'not all men' argument — the socio-analytical essay on just how disastrous and misogynistic the world of modern dating is — and the feeling of being easily replaceable. So yes, most of us want companionship, but we’re faced with the uncomfortable question: at what cost? And this is when my dearest Olivia’s ‘The Hardest Part’ springs to mind: that feeling of wanting to share your life with someone without losing yourself, but also without settling for less than you deserve. Without ceasing to protect ourselves, but without lowering our standards.
Ultimately, it's not about rejecting love or building walls around ourselves. It's about re-evaluating what we deserve and learning to make deliberate choices. Raising the bar isn’t arrogant; it’s about being honest with yourself. And yes, it’s uncomfortable. Just as uncomfortable conversations always have been. Perhaps that’s why it’s so worthwhile.
And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from writing this, it’s that complicated questions deserve more than just one chat. So, if you’re sticking around, we’ll keep seeing each other here.
Cheers!
